south of the south

“I know a thing or two about people getting enchanted and then getting...

Thu, 30 May 2013 15:46:42 -0400

“I know a thing or two about people getting enchanted and then getting disenchanted.”

What do you say now? What do you do when your heart gets stuck and all of a sudden all you can see are colors and shapes and you’re reduced to that eight-year-old squinting at a stained polaroid, trying to comprehend what sort of universe used to exist where they could hold each other like that and laugh. Laugh! What kind of brokenness is trying to transfer itself to you, and what kind has been there your whole life?

this today.

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 14:10:46 -0500

this today.

Some Places I Went.

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 19:28:00 -0500

Twenty-thirteen has the potential to be a big year for me, in nearly every manner of speaking. I’ve been grinning and hand-wringing and getting lost in possibilities and best and worst case scenarios at a rate slightly exceeding normal, which means it’s barely possible to hold a real conversation with me these days.

And though I’m prone to written and real-life hyperbole, I’m not exactly playing up this new year. I’m taking real adult (though still moccasin clad) steps toward some form of Future. One has a known start date and the other does not (at least, not that I know of). I’d be less vague, but I don’t want to.

It’s going to be a big year. Regardless of how it turns out. This I know. But more than any other time, I think, I need to shut up about my vague plots and plans and hopes and write a thing or two about the year that just happened. Because, well. Damn.

February 18. The first of our 14 said some very meaningful words and then threw a tremendous party to celebrate them. She invited me to witness and take part in this love and I’ll be forever indebted to her for it, even if she did do as ghastly a thing as suggest it was about time to grow up. It was the first (but not last!) time I got to see my collected New York-bred family this year, and it was every bit as wonderful and patience-testing as it needed to be.
March 1. I visited New York, and spent a few days rolling around the bouroughs with my Cairo family on the fifth year anniversary of that crazy semester. We all had different reasons for showing up in Egypt, and we all have lives that likely never would have brought us in contact with each other had it not been for that dusty city. I love these people. I love seeing their faces and remembering how much.
May 21. Mae moved away, which means I officially began the “she just LIVES in Austin?” period, when my decision could no longer be blamed on a whimsical and juvenile cousinly pact. She was my first two years in Austin. She had to stand in and count as my whole family and all of my friends at times, and there’s no other human who could have done it. I am still grateful and amazed that she actually threw her life into the Sentra with mine and drove south until the temperature gauge stopped responding.
June 1. I went on an improv comedy tour. For the first half of June, I squeezed into a van with improvisors from Houston, Austin and New Orleans and saw every interesting thing there is to see in the midwest. Also many other things. Chicago in June still does something medically improbable in my gut. People in this country are fun, and kind and genuine and very curious as to how and why we’re doing this. I didn’t have any answers for them.
August 18. My very own, only sister in the world went and got married, and instantly seemed as though it were the most natural and perfect thing for her to do, which only drove me more bonkers. She let me stand up there with her, inches away from one of her most important moments. Like so many of her other moments, at which I have also hovered slightly behind her right elbow, I took studious mental notes. There is no better model of grace and humor and realness than she, and she’s been tirelessly setting a high bar my whole life. She didn’t disappoint. Also, Timurshah officiated. All the perfect things.
October 6. I ran the Portland Marathon. I still feel slightly disingenuous writing that, like there’s a qualifier or something I should add to be make it completely accurate. But I did. I ran 26.2 miles, and I may never feel so many emotions so acutely and interchangeably as I did during those 3 hours, 59 minutes and 50 seconds. Merlin’s beard.
The whole of the autumn. I was in the most fortunate position of being able to witness the transformation of a room. Not just any! A room of a very special sort; one in which I learned and laughed and bit my lip and sat on my nervous hands. It’s now a (nearly) entirely different room. One that is another person’s dream realized. I even got to pick up a hammer and a paintbrush every so often and help out a little. That little corner property holds so much of my Austin, so much it has me biting my lip all over again.
Not totally unrelated to that room, I began and capped off this year within a few paces of the same person, though I couldn’t imagine circumstances more different. I’d be a lying crook if I said that he was ever out of my mind for an extended period of time throughout my 2012, though I certainly prefer the moments from May-onward. He’s woven into many of the above dates, adding to the wonderful things that would have happened and creating one or two on his very own. I may not have learned very well how to express my emotions (elation! angst. jubilation! quiet contemplation. songs with birds that do laundry!) about being part of an “us” just yet, but I anticipate having plenty of opportunities to try in the future.

I’ve skipped and glossed over so much, nearly none of it intentionally. I am bursting for 2013, so very eager for its excitements and even a few scattered tribulations. And I’m not a huge fan of stating a year’s worth in comparison to another’s, but I want to be sure to preserve a few moments for when I inevitably can’t recall them. That said, some of these moments may never lose their shine.

Like I said. 2012. Damn.

"Because we don’t cope well with the idea of evil in this world. Then you doubt the existence..."

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 11:01:00 -0500

“Because we don’t cope well with the idea of evil in this world. Then you doubt the existence of God and His intentions… actually everything. But that’s good. One of the foundations of faith is the lack of it - the disbelief. It’s very important. Firm belief is a bit unreal. That leads to religious fanaticism. Doubt is inseparable from Christianity. With every figure in the Bible you find doubt - Abraham, Moses, all the kings and the apostles. Even Jesus doubted. So isn’t it funny how religions - especially Christian institutions in the US - have eliminated all doubt? They dont understand how important it is to doubt. With all its consequences.”

- Sufjan Stevens

straightupthanks: Vivian and Claire and the rest of my...

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 10:53:30 -0500

straightupthanks:

Vivian and Claire and the rest of my wonderful girlfriend’s family have been more outspoken than most of my queer friends! Claire spent a great deal of time standing up for my relationship with her oldest sister, educating her friends, and overall being the coolest kid I know. Vivian spent time on her own personal lobbying campaign. She worked polls, spoke to people, and rallied her friends and family to support marriage equality in Maryland. I cannot thank them both enough, and I am so lucky to be a part of this family.—Jess

friends and love and all that’s good.

desk-sitting is not a placebo.

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 21:36:00 -0400

I spent the last two hours cleaning, laundering, tidying, sorting and just found myself startlingly out of things to do. My fingers began to itch for a new task and the itch worked its way up, past my wrists and elbows, flooding up over my shoulders now it’s all over. Now my mind is leaping back and forth to unfinished thoughts and half-hatched schemes and maybe it’s because I haven’t had a glass of wine in a couple of weeks and this first (second) one tastes a little unsettling.

My mom is coming to visit for the weekend. I should be at the airport to pick her up right now, but she missed her connection and won’t be getting in until about midnight. This gave me time to clean the kitchen and empty the undead items out of the fridge and look around, anxious and excited about what she’ll make of this newest nest of mine.

While I folded pillowcases, I imagined her going home on Monday, several margaritas older, and telling my sister that DC may never get me back. I sifted through that phrase she’ll never say and tried to gauge my feelings on it. How it’s partially right. How I don’t think that place and I are what we used to be. But also how it’s never lost me, how I can’t help but call it and think of it as home and how my unfettered daydreams end up settling in Capitol Hill rowhouses with thigh-high black iron fences and traffic circles and hyperbolic weather forecasters.

I outfitted my bed with fresh sheets using one arm while talking to Mae, who sounds very far and close depending on the tone of the conversation. I shrugged off the only night of this festival I could have attended because I picked up the phone and remembered there’s a girl in California who thinks my flaws are the best things about me. I told her some things I’ve been dying to say and one that just slipped out and she accepted them all without flinching and I could feel us both trying to get our heads around how separate our lives have become. How I’ve never met her friends or seen her ocean and she has never lived in this apartment with me or witnessed the clumsy, grateful love that’s filled me up since just after she moved west. This effort to bring our stories back together is a tight muscle we’re trying to loosen, but it makes us better and we deserve it for thinking we could stay in each other’s heads with four elephantine states between us.

I’m spinning, a little bit. I’m the most fortunate, I think.

Wear an Aggie shirt to get passed notes like this during town...

Sat, 29 Sep 2012 14:58:00 -0400

Wear an Aggie shirt to get passed notes like this during town hall meetings. (Taken with Instagram)

ice it.

Wed, 26 Sep 2012 23:36:00 -0400

You spoke up first inside my left ankle. I heard it the day after the 20 miler, the longest run before the race. A quiet but urgent tone. And deep. Warm, radiating, rippling outward and upward, until every inch knew. “Did you hear? Can you feel it? Sounds serious.” I heard that chatter all the way up here, whispers behind my top vertebra. Full of doubt. And hints toward the option. You know the one.

Before I knew it, chaos reigned. Shoulders drawn as a bow, hips like an air gun, popping like a threat at hideously inappropriate times. What is this? We were fine. We were fine up here.

Won’t you just stay in your place? Why do you have to scare every other tendon, muscle and bone? What good will come from upsetting my right bicep? She has enough on her plate, and her worrying won’t help anyone.

I’m not trying to reason with you. Would not argue away your indignance. I’m just attempting a tourniquet. I’ll grant you the talus. I’ll offer it freely, and smile with every gingerly step because three hours on even the most forgiving surface buys you some retribution. Because it’s important to notice you, to look you in the eyes and hold you in my hands and know you.

But the rumors have to stop. You’re fomenting dissent. I can’t have that. I’m not strong enough for that. And I worry about overdoing it on the Advil.

Pointed.

Fri, 06 Jul 2012 18:24:03 -0400

Pointed.

The die is cast. (Taken with Instagram)

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 22:09:28 -0400

The die is cast. (Taken with Instagram)

Worry not.

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 18:40:13 -0400

In response to overwhelming, unreasonable and somewhat offputting levels of demand, I’ve started a tumblr exclusively for hydrangea-related photos, musings and idolatry.

Now chill out.

http://mydrangeas.tumblr.com/

Backyard ‘maters. (Taken with instagram)

Sun, 27 May 2012 14:22:41 -0400

Backyard ‘maters. (Taken with instagram)

Wendell Berry in my head all day.

Tue, 22 May 2012 19:02:02 -0400

Breathe with unconditional breath

the unconditioned air.

Shun electric wire.

Communicate slowly. Live

a three-dimensioned life;

stay away from screens.

Stay away from anything

that obscures the place it is in.

There are no unsacred places;

there are sacred places

and desecrated places.

- from How to Write a Poem

Favorite pictures of Tina Fey - 18/100 about me.

Mon, 21 May 2012 10:05:19 -0400

Favorite pictures of Tina Fey - 18/100

about me.

Suckling succulents. (Taken with instagram)

Sun, 20 May 2012 21:44:06 -0400

Suckling succulents. (Taken with instagram)

Photo

Fri, 18 May 2012 17:27:47 -0400

kellyoxford: Look at what GLEE has done to us. :(There is no...

Wed, 16 May 2012 16:40:03 -0400

kellyoxford:

Look at what GLEE has done to us. :(
There is no way that guy went back to Domino’s and could explain what happened to him, and there’s no way he has the internet.

did they even pay him?

weekend minutes

Mon, 14 May 2012 12:14:00 -0400

Days as wonderful as the last three are tricksy and dangerous because if they don’t fill you with happy, don’t dizzy you with satisfaction and thankfulness and vitamin D, then you’re really, irrevocably screwed up.

For the record, I’m exhausted from the satisfaction and thankfulness and vitamin D, but I also moonlight as my own devil’s advocate. Plus Monday.

things to not forget:

- how, without fail, Danny’s first reaction when he sees me is laughter

- dudes with ducklings at the Liberty

- sentra on the devil’s backbone

- teensy Texas towns

- serious Lena Dunham conversations

- entree, appetizer, drink

- houseguests galore

- opening bottles on bench edges

- Moscow mules

- taps on the shoulder

- okkervil river guitarist, why not

- skeeball as salve for a wretched mood

- perfect sun above the kayak, perfect water below

- scallops and tomatillo

- starting intimidating books

- accidental symphony stumbleupons

- the rotunda from the top balcony

- quiet nights on Rainey Street

- flexitarianism

- late bloomers win the race

- Cairo, Beirut, Alexandria, Madison, San Francisco, Portland, New York, Austin, ?

"What I’m having right now is an inappropriate physical reaction to my total joy for you and..."

Mon, 14 May 2012 11:08:00 -0400

““What I’m having right now is an inappropriate physical reaction to my total joy for you and your self-discovery.””

- Hannah Horvath, absolutely nailing it.

this is my improv troupe, cardboard becky. coincidentally, those...

Wed, 09 May 2012 16:38:00 -0400

this is my improv troupe, cardboard becky. coincidentally, those are three of the most hilarious and kind and talented people i know, and we could probably also be part-time pirates if we had the time/ vessel.

south of the south

“I know a thing or two about people getting enchanted and then getting...

this today.

Some Places I Went.

"Because we don’t cope well with the idea of evil in this world. Then you doubt the existence..."

straightupthanks: Vivian and Claire and the rest of my...

desk-sitting is not a placebo.

Wear an Aggie shirt to get passed notes like this during town...

ice it.

Pointed.

The die is cast. (Taken with Instagram)

Worry not.

Backyard ‘maters. (Taken with instagram)

Wendell Berry in my head all day.

Favorite pictures of Tina Fey - 18/100 about me.

Suckling succulents. (Taken with instagram)

Photo

kellyoxford: Look at what GLEE has done to us. :(There is no...

weekend minutes

"What I’m having right now is an inappropriate physical reaction to my total joy for you and..."

this is my improv troupe, cardboard becky. coincidentally, those...

"Because we don’t cope well with the idea of evil in this world. Then you doubt the existence..."